What Boris really said...

I am so sorry. Well... no, I'm not actually, but people are telling me I have to make some sort of apology for the party in the garden... so here we are. No, no, good Lord no, I didn't realise it was a party even though we were told to bring our own booze. 

What's that? Is it usual to take booze along to a work event? Stop being so picky, you're just splitting hairs now. Look, it was a nice warm evening so I said to Carrie, "Little drinkie in the garden?" and we popped downstairs to show our faces. No biggie.

Such a shame that people are getting so exercised about it. I mean, what's wrong with having a few drinks after work? 

Well, yes... I know I'd told everyone that they couldn't see their friends and families and I'd shut down pubs, restaurants and shops; oh, alright... and I'd closed schools and stopped people from seeing their sick and dying loved ones - look, are you going to keep going on about that, you just won't let it drop, will you? - but the thing is, you see, my staff had been working very hard (cough...!) and they deserved a little treat.

What d'you mean, what about everyone else who deserved a treat? Well, they had to follow the rules didn't they, the rules that were set up to keep them safe from the virus that we'd said would kill them? You must be able to see that?

Sorry... the Downing St garden? Well no, it doesn't have special powers to keep people safe from that so-called deadly virus but surely you can see that the rules are for others, not for me. Yes, I know people were following the rules, even Her Majesty the Queen, but that's their fault for believing an inveterate liar like me.

Right, is that it, then? Will that do? Everyone down the pub, I think. 

Cheers!